A Haiku

written by my fiance' on the occasion that the English Depatment published a newletter of haikus written by our peers during finals week, mostly rather pompous and carefree.

I sit on the couch
My aching head inflated
My hand is cramping


DOES NO ONE ELSE HAVE FINALS?!!

Time is relative to what you're waiting for...

Precisely six months form this very day, this particualar moment even... I will be married. My painstakingly decorated Church will be cleaned and darkened with no memory of my special day save those moments captured in photographs. The party at the reception will be dying down, the pivitol yet overly cliche traditions will have been properly adhered to as I prepare to leave with Mike to our room upstairs. The flower petal will be browned, the beautiful delicacies devoured, the punch fountian drained and the ice sculpture detailing melted. Our exit form the soiree that evening will bring forth bittersweet emotions from our parents as it settles in as reality that we are married. For Real. I guess being engaged for so long makes the whole process seem so distant and fantastical. Perhaps it will never happen, like we are playing a very fun game where I always get to be the princess just like when i was little. For some reason, tonight I began to think about how all these carefully laid plans that are giving me nervous dreams and night sweats over whether or not the florist will make it to decorate on time are going to come to fruition in six months. It's not like I haven't thought about it before or that I am so focused on my wedding that I am failing to see my marriage. Being married is what I truly look forward to, but how can I express this feeling about the process of the wedding ending. It feels as though not havinga wedding to plan anymore will be a greater change in mylife than actually being married. With the end of this semseter in sight and the knowledge that I have one more semster to live life as I have been, I suppose I am realizing that time is slipping quickly away. Maybe what is actually sinking in is the realization of the fact that my enitre life will change in every possible aspect after the culmination of all this planning ends with a party. I do not mean to sound terrified or apprehensive. I merely am understanding the huge-ness of it all. Time is relative to what you are waiting for...
Six months until I can begin my life with the man I love more than life? That seems an eternity. Six months until my life is no longer pink and responsibility free? Fleeting moments.

dizzy

Inner-ear infections are from the devil. I have been smote by this evil virus and made to suffer the worst vertigo that i have ever experienced. You know those metal carousel things on the playground? I feel like I am on one of those...always...complete with the sickish feeling that accompanies getting off (much improved from last week's vomiting) This is probably one of those times in which I must focus on relying on God because He is always quite faithful in getting me through stuff like this. I am definitely thankful that I go to school here because my professors have been so amazing during this whole ordeal. Yes, praise the Lord for placing me here "for such a time as this".

The Bhagavad-Gita and other tales

Most recently in Classic World Lit we have been reading Eastern sacred texts. This is different. However, its very interesting albiet challenging to understand due to not only the time separation but also in the way that this is a culture that has developed very much apart from our Western-set minds.

I am enjoying learning about something so new to me in so many ways, but when reading Buddhist and Hindu texts, I can't help but but to maintain my interest by thinking that the names that they use sound remarkably like something right out of Star Trek.

Strippers

Well, once again we have created quite a ruckus on OC's campus. We may have even been on the news... we definitely filled out a police report.

I don't even know how to start this story.

Here, James Lauderdale emailed campus about it:

"Good afternoon. I would like to take the opportunity to remind you that we many times live in a sheltered environment here at the apartments. Last night we had an incident in which several ladies were approached by an individual who asked if he could expose himself. The person walked up to an open door as if he was invited. He then went to another door and asked if he could do the same. My reason for sending this e-mail is to address several issues..."

Uh it was a lot funnier than that, he actually asked if he could strip for us. It turned into a big ordeal cause he stripped at the next apt, except they didn't want him to... so I am pretty sure the cops and OC security were at our apt until 1:30 am...

so yeah... never have your door open if you live in phase 5... not even to leave, I'm sorry... you're just going to have use the window.

crimes against humanity

Our Phase Manager is guilty of these everyday, so we have all decided. She has crossed the line!! It is time to overreact and be outrageously dramatic... for she has ripped down Kenny Chesney and The Man posters form our walls. Ok, so maybe its not really THAT big of a deal, but that poster is mine. She chose not to discuss it with me like an adult. She instead violated my private property and took my things like I am five. Oh no my friend! These apartments may belong to OC but that poster most certainly does not. There is deep sentimental value that has been disturbed and I will not stand for this any longer!!! .... well maybe I will just rant on my blog and then go see James Lauderdale about it next week.

Rules and particularly OC housing rules have never been much of a bother being that I am a creature of structure and a socialist regime infiltrating every aspect of my life since I was born. :) Yet, for some reason I am so fed up this semester that it makes me downright angry. This is unfortuante given that I have nine more months until I am married.

As childish as it sounds, I would like to pull her hair.

and so it goes....

Well... The Primary election was tonight. Denise Bode conceeded while in third place with 18% of the vote, over 90% reporting... therefore its over. For real. OVER. Over for everyone involved, but you know ...thats ok too.

Down to the point of copying others...

BUT there is really nothing new under the sun right? So why not just give credit to those who expressed themselves better than I ever seem to...

Thank you my dear Michael for bringing this wonderful quote to my attention. It struck me deeply.

"Let each one examine his thoughts, and he will find them all occupied with the past and the future. We scarcely ever think of the present; and if we think of it, it is only to take light from it to arrange the future. The present is never our end. The past and the present are our means; the future alone is our end. So we never live, but we hope to live; and, as we are always preparing to be happy, it is inevitable we should never be so."--Blaise Pascal, Pensees

Sometimes people have me pegged. :)

by the way... to further plagarize my fiance' s post... go see Click.

Ah well I tried

so here is something silly....

I have been blogging frequently when my mind is so full I need an outlet... except what comes out is a bit too personal for me to publish. Even for me... in all my fame for wearing my emotions on my sleeve.

I think I will copy them into my journal.

It just isn't fit to bear my soul that completely to cyberspace and those who read my blog.

I hope to have a funny story to post soon... or at least something worth sharing.

Something I have realized about myself:

I crave affirmation of my decisions. I do not feel completely confident in any of my choices unless i have about 5 different people whom I value and respect tell me that I have made the correct decision. I now recognize this about myself, especially of late, and I wonder why this is so. I am a fairly confident girl, I respect myself and my ideals, and yet it appears that I lack trust in myself? I am perplexed. I only gain peace once I am affirmed. The most frustrating thing is why do I trust these other people who probably only really know part of the entire "big picture" of the situation. How is their decison one that merits ay value? And yet it holds all the value in the world to me.

And here I am craving the approving nod from those I admire and the prayer that I just said gives me little comfort. I am exasperated with my self reliance on tangible acceptance. I should feel peace after a prayer for guidance and wisdom and affirmation of my desision. Though I may be answered in this through these people I seek, my peace does not always come until I get that earthly nod.

I roll my eyes at myself and my confusion, but that doesn't help either.

My favorite thought about this summer is the booklist that I have planned for myself...

This place

There is this place that I try to go to when the world seems to smother me, sometimes I truly feel as if I cannot breathe! I hate that feeling, if only I knew how to make it go away. Decisions are a part of life, and I understand that, but when there are two that seem equally troublesome and no one wins, my breath feels gone. And yet, there is still the element of disappointment when you let yourself down, even from a goal that was always unachievable.
I want to escape, I want to be gone from here, I wish I could get in my car and leave this place. I do not do well when I am all consumed. There is too much to do, because it must all be done well. My life feels out of control, out of my control, there is no tangible answer.
God may give peace and he may open doors, but which one do you walk through when nothing inside looks serene? I pray that others have wisdom, because I don't trust that I have any here. I go to this place that reminds me of how it will be when this has passes, but then I miss my "now" longing for the future. And yet, that place is only acheivable with time and time requires of me that I deal with each moment one at a time. Oh yeah, and I cant go back.

Curse rash action. It does not allow for rational action.

It feels like tears are behind my eyes...all the time.

summer break? whats that?

Does anyine else miss being in elementary school when summer equaled pure and unadulterated freedom.

an actual break to look forward to...? I think I forgot what that feels like... to be deviod of all responisbility save having fun and not experiencing any stress...

I think I need some sleep.

craziness

Finals week is upon us.

I also have to maneuver 20 hours of work into 3 days and make sure I ace all my finals so that I can go to Topeka and then move into my new apartment on Sunday [after I clear out my dorm].

The GOP Rally was this weekend and I sucessfully hacked off one of our opponants, hehe.

hmmm. I have to revise a paper too so that i can turn in a final draft that will get an A.

I got a lecture from the Dean of History and Political Science when he found out I skipped class to accompany my candidate to the Capitol for a conference. (i had permission form the professor who was teaching the class) Apparently, its not kosher to skip class for work? lol, I wouldn't have done it if my grades weren't absolutely fine in that class.
And yet, I struggle with motivation and time management ... mostly because I spend all of my time doing 200% on something I really want to do and ignore that nagging little assignment that I habitually put off.

Sometimes I think I possess certain character traits that make me susceptable to becoming a work-aholic.

There is this lovely feeling of power and accomplishment that comes along with a sucessful day of hectic tasks in a buisness suit. hmmm.

Anyway, this bit is about as scattered as I am feeling right now... maybe I should get back to that final I have tomorrow.

Forgiveness

Ever since I saw Jane Eyre performed this fall, the song "Forgiveness" is often in my head whenever it applies.

It was so this weekend when I found out that Chet probably has cancer. They found a spot on his lung, he has been a heavy cigar breather for years. Cigars and whiskey combine to form a scent that will always take me to my Gramma's house in the summer evenings on her front porch trying to avoid Chet.

Chet is my mom's stepdad and has been since she was 14. I used to call him grandpa, but I decided he did not deserve that title. So I call him Chet.

My mom's dad wasn't a part of my life until I was seven but darn it if he didn't love us to pieces after that until the very day he died. It haunts me that he wasn't a Christian.

My dad's dad was the single most fantastic Grandpa in the whole world. I coudl have never imagined a better, more loving, Godly man. I am indebtted to him for a childhood of pure happinesss and a father who loves me more than anything. He got cancer 3 years ago and I miss even so much that it hurts still now.

So, now I have Chet. He is not a Christian. He has cancer. But he has never loved us. He has been hateful and rude everyday since I can remember. He is awful to my dad who has never been anything but gracious to him and he treats my brothers as if they were detestable vermin. Needless to say, I haven't quite mastered the forgiveness here.

While my grandpa Siltman was sick, I struggled for months over why he had to die and why my brothers would be stuck growing up without knowing any grandpa except Chet. I know that sounds awful, but its true. I prayed for it and God sent me people who tried to help me heal my bitterness that I still hang on to.

I don't really ever think about it, but when my mom called me with the news I pulled over and just cried. She said to me," Don;t worry about praying for healing, just for his salvation. Thats what matters now." I was unable to find any words to pray through all these feelings and memories that flowed forth for the next few minutes.

How do you pray for the salvation of a man who you can't even find it in your heart to forgive for years of deep hurt he caused?

Suddenly I am faced with the prospect of Chet not being here anymore to keep my grandma company and I know that he he is scared to death right now.

Suddenly I am praying for a man that I have hated.

Suddenly I realize it is whta I should have been doing for years now instead of harboring anger.

Suddenly it may be too late.

and somehow, i am not okay with that.

the existence of a universal moral law

It is a fascinating thing to play with in your mind... the existence of moral law. Thus, since a paper which counts for fifty percent of my grade is required in my Studies in C.S. Lewis class... and Lewis addresses this topic frequently... its my topic. My only hope is that it proves to be as interesting of a paper in reality as it is in my head. I am including the ideas of Kant and using mostly primary sources like letters, The Abolition of Man, Mere Christianity, and Out of the Silent Planet.

The bummer is that I just had to give a speech about my research. I hate public speaking. It was a really great speach. Clear and concise, but thoughtful and rich in information that supported my thesis. The problem was that I could not keep my leg from shaking which distracted me, I lost my place, stumbled over my bash on post-modern thought, and there you have it... I don't have my grade yet. Somehow I feel as awkward as I did when I was in junior high. Then I get annoyed at people who are so good at public speaking. I think it's a genetic mutation.

Oh well. thast pretty much why I will choose the career path full of one on one personal conversations and behind the scenes control. :)

sPRING siNG

The epitome of OC culture lies in the performance of Spring Sing. It is a specatcle like no other... boys in tights, wigs, and makeup singing about everything from Peter Pan to Star Wars. Women with thorax's, ID's for heads, suits and Brittany Spears "Hit me Baby One More Time" costumes...and Pink Panther shirts that well, don't fit quite right. Yes, its frightening yet entertaining in a school pride sort of way. It has been, but phenomenon of the entire situation still behooves me. We find out tonight who has won the Life-owning Spring Sing before a sold out audience of over 2,000. Will it be Chi~ for the 5th year in a row? Or will Alpha emerge as the most brilliantly creative performers.... or best of all.... Will a womens club finnaly steal the throne after over 10 years of the men showing us up with their song and dance routines? Pi Zeta Phi perhaps? [whoop whoop]

Pretty much just the longest excited onomatopoeia

I am ENGAGED, how exciting is that? I think its funny that everyone knew about it before I did and it makes my previous post about Valentines day kinda ironic. And I must say that it was the most wonderful proposal ever. For anyone to understand the brilliance of it, they must first understand that Mike and I always take walks. It is our "thing" ever since we were first dating. The walk is always the same route around campus and then to this pier by a pond next to the school. As cheesy as it may sound, we have frequently discussed that we fell in love at that pond. We have had so many deep discussions, little moments, dances, fights, make ups, movies, and just sending alone time in a quiet place there. It is also important to know that my mom has a journal that she kept when she was first married and then when she first had me. I love that journal, and even though it has only a few entries, it means a lot to me. when we were in Books a Million several weeks ago, I saw a beautiful journal that I briefly mentioned I woudl like to have to start my own journal now to give to my daughter someday. Note all of this it will come back into play later in the story.

February 14th 2006...
Mike and I have our first class together so he called me to tell me that he had left is book for class in my car so I went to get fully knowing that it was just a cute way to get me out there and sure enough... a pretty beaded box of handmade truffles and a card that almost made me cry were in the front seat. I loved it becuase I was expecting just a simple Valentines Day since I knew we were saving. Fast forward to six o'clock...

I got his gift all ready since I had not given him his, and we met to go to dinner at Macaroni Grill [where he had made reservations] , he took me there last year an its one of our favorite places. Mike showed up in a suit looking very handsome and I gave him the chess set and photo I had for him and he hands me the journal that I had looked at several weeks ago! I was so surprised he remebered and he wrote inside about how he hoped that it would contain Our Story. I was thrilled, it was so thoughtful.

So, we went to dinner and it was fabulous [as Italian food always is] and it was a beautiful evening. I thought we were going to see Pride and Predjudice since it was at the dollar theater. [this made me very happy, I really wanted to see it] It didn't start until 9:35 and we got back from dinner at 8 so since we had time to kill, Mike suggested we go on our walk. I grabbed a coat and we left. [this is the good part]

We started talking about all the memories we had on this little walk we go on almost everyday and about the very first time we walked there and he told em how beautiful my eyes were and totally missed the chance to grab my hand. [how cute] ANYWAY~ he stops at the place where we had our first kiss and he gives me a card about first kisses and tells me he loves me. [awww] Well, Mike proceeded to stop at several places during our walk where we have special memories and give me a card at each one. [I still didn't pick up on it, I just thought that this was a fun game he thought up, :) ]

As we continued on our walk, I knew where we would end up... at the pond. Honestly, though, I just thought that we were going to kill some more time before the movie and make out on the pier a little bit. :) We were having the sweetest conversation about all of our memories on this pier when we arrived and I saw that there was a blanket on the pier with candles all around it. There was a bottle of sparking grape juice and two goblets with a red rose... and just as it dawned on me what was going on, he got on one knee and gave a speech I don't remember because of the tears, but I do remember when he said, "Elizabeth Ann Siltman, would you be my wife?"

I now have this beautiful white gold marquise solitaire on my left hand.

WIll you be my Valentine?

I, for one, love Valentine's Day. I hear all the time how it is commercialized and cliche' and lacks meaning...basically forced romance when it would be sweeter on a normal day. I have heard it called everything from Black Death to Single Awareness Day (SAD)...blah blah blah.

I am prefectly aware that all of that is quite true, and yet.... I still love Valentines Day. I always have, it remains one of my favorite holidays ever since I was a little kid. It may be because my parents made us Valentines breakfast growing up and gave us little gifts in the morning and told us it was about reminding the people you love most how much they mean to you.

At any rate, I have no real reasoning except I may be the most hopeless romantic and complete sucker for cliche' Valentines greetings. Oh well, I embrace Valentines Day. It just makes me smile.

Mental block or mental breakdown?

Before this semester, if someone had asked me if I would rather write a paper or take a test, I would have chosen the paper without hesitation. Sadly, now as I procrastinate further by blogging about how much I dont want to write this paper, I am at a loss for words.

It is almost sad because this has the potential to be a really interesting paper, but I am not doing my thesis justice. In fact, I am a page in to it and I have nothing left to say. I feel blocked.

There was so much I wanted to write about but I cannot think of anything worth saying, my analysis of this profound work is medicore at best.

Normally I adore C.S. Lewis, and I beleive at some point he will continue to be my favorite author. But tonight, and probably this semester, I am drowning in his words.

I am starting a Feminist Movement!!!!!!

Following a meeting with a professor of mine in which the words "If you don't go to graduate school, you're stupid, it'd be a waste..." clung in the air around my mind and have followed me around for a couple of days.

I have been engaging myself in introspection these last couple weeks and I have determined that I do not have any tiny hearts desire to go to graduate school and that if I choose not to project myself into the veins of the professional world, I will not be a failure.

No matter what I choose I will leave this institution an educated woman with the not only the freedom, but the RIGHT to decide which path to continue on and how to employ my education. Notice how I say "how to employ" and not "whether or not I employ". My eduation and the knowledge I take from here will be mine always and it is something that no one can dismiss or take away from me during this lifetime.

It is because of certain modern organizations of women that I have never called myself a feminist and have felt insulted at the thought of being categorized as one, until today. I am not a feminist in the modern connation of the word because I believe that the way it is defined today is not Feminism. Unfortunatley, it is difficult to alter a social definition so I will call myself a classical feminist in the same way that I am a classical liberal.

It offends me that modern feminism would have the audacity to belittle other women and descriminate against them because of their right to choose other values above their careers. It is not acceptable in any way for women to feel that they are a "waste" or "stupid" within our society if they do not pursue professional advancement in their career field.

I would like to start a Political Action Committee dedicated and created for women, like myself, who are educated and in every way believe themselves to be equals in society but also hold the belief that it is just as sucessful to stay home with their children or use thier education in a different fashion than being professionally sucessful according to society's standards.

This PAC would be conservative, pro-life, pro-family, pro-women. I feel like educated women like myself who holds this opinion and are comfortable with the idea of mothers staying home with their children , if they are able to, are underrepresented. While it is not everyone's ability or luxury, the problem is the attitude toward those who choose who do from extreme "feminist" ideologies that are currently permeating the young minds in our society and is its own form of sexism.

So, this is my latest tirade but I certainly hope that this goal will eventually come to fruition whether by myself or someone else who feels the same way.

God, you have until Monday.

I have heard over and over that people who are prone to stressing out can expect to knock several years off of their life span. I have no idea how scientific that tidbit actually is, but the problem with it is that people like me proceed to worry about how much they are stressing. This is counterproductive and perpetuates the whole sickness.

Recently, as in the last two days, I have achieved some interesting self-discovery. I have a problematic tendency to overwhelm myself and mask it as "stepping up to the challenge" when really I am just refusing to delagate and not able to correctly identify my own breaking point.

Unfortuantely, this leads then to complete discouragement of my time management skills and confidence and an obsession with "what-ifs".

I began to realize all this when I found myself praying and trying to have an intimate time with God and ask for peace and wisdom in some decisions. I stopped mid-prayer because it dawned on me that I had just told God that I must have an answer by Monday at the very latest.

hmmmm.

I really don't think that was wise and I am quite shocked at myself.
If you ever wanna hear God laugh, tell Him your plans.

So here I am. My head pounds while I wait patiently for the fateful Monday which will determine this semester with the feeling that it will be one of those forks in the road of life that alters so many paths. But I must be still and know that He is God, I suppose that is the best plan.

"Sometimes beauty school sounds so appealing."- lovely Dacia