craziness

Finals week is upon us.

I also have to maneuver 20 hours of work into 3 days and make sure I ace all my finals so that I can go to Topeka and then move into my new apartment on Sunday [after I clear out my dorm].

The GOP Rally was this weekend and I sucessfully hacked off one of our opponants, hehe.

hmmm. I have to revise a paper too so that i can turn in a final draft that will get an A.

I got a lecture from the Dean of History and Political Science when he found out I skipped class to accompany my candidate to the Capitol for a conference. (i had permission form the professor who was teaching the class) Apparently, its not kosher to skip class for work? lol, I wouldn't have done it if my grades weren't absolutely fine in that class.
And yet, I struggle with motivation and time management ... mostly because I spend all of my time doing 200% on something I really want to do and ignore that nagging little assignment that I habitually put off.

Sometimes I think I possess certain character traits that make me susceptable to becoming a work-aholic.

There is this lovely feeling of power and accomplishment that comes along with a sucessful day of hectic tasks in a buisness suit. hmmm.

Anyway, this bit is about as scattered as I am feeling right now... maybe I should get back to that final I have tomorrow.

Forgiveness

Ever since I saw Jane Eyre performed this fall, the song "Forgiveness" is often in my head whenever it applies.

It was so this weekend when I found out that Chet probably has cancer. They found a spot on his lung, he has been a heavy cigar breather for years. Cigars and whiskey combine to form a scent that will always take me to my Gramma's house in the summer evenings on her front porch trying to avoid Chet.

Chet is my mom's stepdad and has been since she was 14. I used to call him grandpa, but I decided he did not deserve that title. So I call him Chet.

My mom's dad wasn't a part of my life until I was seven but darn it if he didn't love us to pieces after that until the very day he died. It haunts me that he wasn't a Christian.

My dad's dad was the single most fantastic Grandpa in the whole world. I coudl have never imagined a better, more loving, Godly man. I am indebtted to him for a childhood of pure happinesss and a father who loves me more than anything. He got cancer 3 years ago and I miss even so much that it hurts still now.

So, now I have Chet. He is not a Christian. He has cancer. But he has never loved us. He has been hateful and rude everyday since I can remember. He is awful to my dad who has never been anything but gracious to him and he treats my brothers as if they were detestable vermin. Needless to say, I haven't quite mastered the forgiveness here.

While my grandpa Siltman was sick, I struggled for months over why he had to die and why my brothers would be stuck growing up without knowing any grandpa except Chet. I know that sounds awful, but its true. I prayed for it and God sent me people who tried to help me heal my bitterness that I still hang on to.

I don't really ever think about it, but when my mom called me with the news I pulled over and just cried. She said to me," Don;t worry about praying for healing, just for his salvation. Thats what matters now." I was unable to find any words to pray through all these feelings and memories that flowed forth for the next few minutes.

How do you pray for the salvation of a man who you can't even find it in your heart to forgive for years of deep hurt he caused?

Suddenly I am faced with the prospect of Chet not being here anymore to keep my grandma company and I know that he he is scared to death right now.

Suddenly I am praying for a man that I have hated.

Suddenly I realize it is whta I should have been doing for years now instead of harboring anger.

Suddenly it may be too late.

and somehow, i am not okay with that.

the existence of a universal moral law

It is a fascinating thing to play with in your mind... the existence of moral law. Thus, since a paper which counts for fifty percent of my grade is required in my Studies in C.S. Lewis class... and Lewis addresses this topic frequently... its my topic. My only hope is that it proves to be as interesting of a paper in reality as it is in my head. I am including the ideas of Kant and using mostly primary sources like letters, The Abolition of Man, Mere Christianity, and Out of the Silent Planet.

The bummer is that I just had to give a speech about my research. I hate public speaking. It was a really great speach. Clear and concise, but thoughtful and rich in information that supported my thesis. The problem was that I could not keep my leg from shaking which distracted me, I lost my place, stumbled over my bash on post-modern thought, and there you have it... I don't have my grade yet. Somehow I feel as awkward as I did when I was in junior high. Then I get annoyed at people who are so good at public speaking. I think it's a genetic mutation.

Oh well. thast pretty much why I will choose the career path full of one on one personal conversations and behind the scenes control. :)