Forgiveness

Ever since I saw Jane Eyre performed this fall, the song "Forgiveness" is often in my head whenever it applies.

It was so this weekend when I found out that Chet probably has cancer. They found a spot on his lung, he has been a heavy cigar breather for years. Cigars and whiskey combine to form a scent that will always take me to my Gramma's house in the summer evenings on her front porch trying to avoid Chet.

Chet is my mom's stepdad and has been since she was 14. I used to call him grandpa, but I decided he did not deserve that title. So I call him Chet.

My mom's dad wasn't a part of my life until I was seven but darn it if he didn't love us to pieces after that until the very day he died. It haunts me that he wasn't a Christian.

My dad's dad was the single most fantastic Grandpa in the whole world. I coudl have never imagined a better, more loving, Godly man. I am indebtted to him for a childhood of pure happinesss and a father who loves me more than anything. He got cancer 3 years ago and I miss even so much that it hurts still now.

So, now I have Chet. He is not a Christian. He has cancer. But he has never loved us. He has been hateful and rude everyday since I can remember. He is awful to my dad who has never been anything but gracious to him and he treats my brothers as if they were detestable vermin. Needless to say, I haven't quite mastered the forgiveness here.

While my grandpa Siltman was sick, I struggled for months over why he had to die and why my brothers would be stuck growing up without knowing any grandpa except Chet. I know that sounds awful, but its true. I prayed for it and God sent me people who tried to help me heal my bitterness that I still hang on to.

I don't really ever think about it, but when my mom called me with the news I pulled over and just cried. She said to me," Don;t worry about praying for healing, just for his salvation. Thats what matters now." I was unable to find any words to pray through all these feelings and memories that flowed forth for the next few minutes.

How do you pray for the salvation of a man who you can't even find it in your heart to forgive for years of deep hurt he caused?

Suddenly I am faced with the prospect of Chet not being here anymore to keep my grandma company and I know that he he is scared to death right now.

Suddenly I am praying for a man that I have hated.

Suddenly I realize it is whta I should have been doing for years now instead of harboring anger.

Suddenly it may be too late.

and somehow, i am not okay with that.